Characters/Pairings: Martha/Doctor, Martha/Jack, guest appearances by Rose and a surprise crossover
Summary: A rather silly and crackified take on some clichés of Martha and/or S3 fic.
Disclaimer/Notes: I do not own any of these characters, nor am I profiting from their use. Many thanks to nobleplatypus for putting up with the endless rambling and venting that seems to be part of my creative process.
"The Santraginean Sacred Dance of Fertility is legendary, you said."
"Yet you didn't know that disrupting the Dance would get us arrested and dragged before their Empress?"
The Doctor frowned and tried to shrug as he and Martha were abruptly dropped on the floor in front of the Empress's throne. Martha stole a glance behind her, only to see that the guards had taken out their blasters. The Santraginean Empress was livid. "You have incurred the wrath of the Great Goddess by disrupting the Sacred Fertility Dance!"
"Sorry," said the Doctor.
"Silence!" shouted the Empress. "The Great Goddess must be pacified!"
"You're not going to throw us in a volcano, are you? Can't bear volcanoes."
"Silence!" repeated the Empress, demonstrating her tendency to use exclamation points far more than was strictly necessary. "In order to pacify the Great Goddess, you must journey to her sacred altar and engage in intercourse. If you refuse, my guards will shoot you immediately."
Martha gasped. "Doctor! Do something!" she said in a hissing whisper.
Before the Doctor could reply, another guard burst into the throne room. "Your Majesty!" he said.
"What is it, Lieutenant?"
"It's the Doctor again. We found his box at the edge of the forest."
The Doctor smiled nervously. Martha's eyes narrowed. "You are going to let me keep Miss Bubbles on the TARDIS."
"Martha, could you get the telephone? I'm busy reconfiguring the antimatter stabilizer."
Martha paused from her breakfast of a Zorgaxian 100% organic banana to answer the telephone on the TARDIS console. "Hello?"
"Doctor? Oh my God, it worked! Doctor, it's Rose! My phone! You jiggery-pokeried it and it works across the Void! Oh Doctor, I've missed you so much!"
Martha coughed. "He's busy."
There was a lengthy, awkward pause. Finally, Rose managed to ask, "Who is this?"
"Martha. Martha Jones."
Martha heard something that sounded suspiciously like a hysterical shriek, but it was cut off by the click of the phone disconnecting.
The Doctor's head appeared above the floor grate. "Who was that?"
"Telemarketer," mumbled Martha.
"You know, Doctor, when I asked to see the premiere of Hamlet, I wasn't volunteering to miss the show in order to stake out the roof and help you thwart an alien invasion."
The Doctor broke his concentration on the ground below and looked up at Martha. "'S not all that great anyway. I told Bill that 'take arms against a sea of troubles' was a mixed metaphor, but he wouldn't listen to me."
"You are so full of it."
"Look out behind you!"
Martha spun around to see a monstrous green creature. "Huh," said the Doctor curiously. "I've never seen any species like that before. Bilateral coronal symmetry, front's completely indistinguishable from the back. Kind of a... literal beast with two backs. Or two fronts."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Might I suggest that you not mention the R word again?" said Martha to Captain Jack Harkness, who had just returned to the TARDIS for the first time since the Gamestation.
"Sorry, sorry," said Jack. "The last time I saw the Doctor, he had big ears and a Northern accent. How was I supposed to know that Rose was in an alternate universe?"
Jack had walked straight onto the TARDIS after it materialized in the middle of the Torchwood hub, done a quadruple take, and asked them as politely as possible who the bloody hell they were and why they were in the TARDIS. The Doctor tried to explain the regeneration process, then introduced Martha.
"Always glad to meet a beautiful woman," said Jack, and kissed her hand. Martha was suddenly profoundly grateful that she never blushed noticeably. Then Jack had made the fatal mistake of asking about the so-called "R word".
The Doctor had instantly lapsed into Forlorn Staring Into The Distance Mode, then sulked off alone into the depths of the TARDIS. Martha and Jack were left in the console room, and Martha had filled the gaps in Jack's information and reprimanded him about mentioning Rose in front of the Doctor.
"It's incredible," said Jack. "I've waited all this time for the Doctor to come back and help me make sense of things, and when he finally shows up, it's like he's a drug addict squirrel, only with worse mood swings."
"You know, I'm a doctor too," said Martha suggestively, and raised an immaculately manicured eyebrow at her new companion. Jack couldn't argue with serendipity.
The owl had been quite a shock to Martha. She and the Doctor were walking back to the TARDIS after visiting her family when the bird swooped just over their heads and dropped an envelope into the Doctor's hands. But that certainly wasn't the end of the shocks for the day.
"Well!" said the Doctor. "It looks like the Ministry of Magic wants my help again."
"The Ministry of Magic. Wizards!"
"Wizards? In London?"
"Of course! They've got their own subculture going back thousands of years. Naturally, they're very secretive around outsiders. Even I shouldn't know about them, but I've been mistaken for a Wizard often enough that their Ministry has caught up with me several times. We eventually managed to work out a sort of alliance. Don't ever mention this to anyone, by the way."
Martha nodded slowly. "I don't go around telling people that I travel in space and time in a police box with an alien, do I? They'd lock me up!"
"Good," said the Doctor. "Come on, I'm supposed to meet someone from the Department of Metanarrative at the Leaky Cauldron. We'll walk, it's just down on Charing Cross Road."
Upon reaching the front door of the inn, the Doctor announced, "Right. You stay in the front room and try to keep out of trouble. Don't stare at anything." He took out his psychic paper and handed it to Martha, adding, "And if anyone asks, you're a Witch. Wouldn't want you getting your memory erased."
Martha nodded again and tucked the psychic paper into her pocket before entering the inn. After wandering around the front room for several minutes, she determined to go the bar and sample some of the local beverages. She sat down and was trying to decide which oddly-named drink she wanted when the barman approached her and said, "Butterbeer for you, miss, compliments of the young gentleman over by the fourth wall."
Martha looked over to see a lanky young man with ginger hair waving awkwardly at her.
"Says he's sorry that so many people seem to hate you already," said the barman. "Says he understands all too well."
Martha smiled at the young man and sipped her butterbeer gratefully.