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RPS fic. 
2nd-Sep-2006 08:06 pm
Come along, people! I cannot be the only bastion for Tennant/Freema forever!

Title: Episode Six
Authors: nostalgia_lj and th_esaurus
Rating: R
Pairing: David Tennant/Freema Agyeman
Notes: We wrote this while LJ hated Nos, and it is RPF and also crack.

"Some of the children ask if it hurt when you pulled out my brain," says Freema, very seriously. "What should I tell them?"

David looks up from his sandwich and laughs a mouthful of bread at her. Bread and cheese and ham. "You should say it was the most painful thing that's ever happened to you."

"But they're children!" Freema is shocked. "What if they cry?"

"So what if they do? You have to admit it's funny when weans cry. Their wee faces go all crumpled. They do that when I sound wrong when I speak to them. One time, one of the little bastards kicked me in the shins so I said I was a Slitheen."

Freema's all rather new to this stardom business. She giggles when she signs DVD covers, and nearly cried when she heard a little girl ask her father where Rose was. She's not any good at children.

David puts an arm around her neck in a gesture that's both kind and oddly lecherous, and says with an air of knowing, "You've got to remember that kids are very, very stupid."

"People say they're smarter than we think," says Freema, a bit miserably.

"Bloody liars. Kids'll believe any old bollocks. Sandwich?"

"They didn't have sandwiches like this on Crossroads," she says. Freema always talks about the things Crossroads didn't have. Sandwiches, trailers with double beds, location filming, people dressed as aliens.

"That's because it was crap," says David, generously. "This is proper telly. Just think, Freema, thirty years from now you could be on stage at some American convention, people staring at your latest face-lift and asking you what was the best thing about working with me. Which will be a code by which they hope to work out whether I shagged you. That's all anyone cares about. People say the fanboys only care about Daleks, but really it's the gossip they want. The gossip and a quick flash of your tits." He nudges her side gently. "Did you know Lis Sladen's had every Doctor she ever worked with? She told me that like it was the most important thing in the world, and obviously I couldn't break her streak, could I?"

Freema blushes. "It's a bit more sordid than I expected. Children love this show."

"I've decided," David announces grandly, "to fuck every companion I get. The women anyway. And then years from now I can be remembered as the one who fucked all his companions and Lis Sladen. I always wanted to shag Sarah Jane Smith. It was like a dream come true. And she was a better shag than Billie." He looks suddenly thoughtful, grinning to himself. "They should get Nicola Bryant back."


"Bloody hell, you're as bad as Bills. Nicola Bryant. Peri. The one with the tits." He moves his hands in the universally-acknowledged gesture for 'tits'. "I used to want to have Lalla Ward, but she's getting on a bit now."

Freema looks down at her own breasts. "I wonder if people will remember my breasts."

"They will," he tells her. "I'm certain they will. And your arse if you keep wearing those jeans. I'm trying to get remembered for my cock. Sometimes I sort of thrust towards the camera a wee bit." He demonstrates. "The women like that. All the mums at home. Imagine that. All the wee kiddies watching at home and their mums are just staring at my crotch."

"That must be nice for your ego," says Freema, getting the hang of it a bit. She still isn't sure how much David's joking, because he sounds perfectly serious, but she is fairly gullible, after all. She pokes at her breasts dubiously. "I bet mine aren't as impressive as your cock though."

David considers her, then shoves the rest of his food between his teeth, whips his hands up her top and has a good feel around. He seems to look approving, but it's hard to tell with a face full of sandwich. Eventually he swallows, gives her a last pat for good will, and nods. "No, they're stellar tits."

Freema wonders if she should shove her hand down his trousers to make them equal, but she decides that doing it outside is probably a bit illegal and not very wise. What with all the children lurking around corners, ready to pounce with their paper and pens on unsuspecting actors who may or may not be having a quick grope round the back of the trailers.

So she says, "What if a child had seen that?"

"It'd have a great story to tell all its wee friends at school. Maybe not just yet, but in a few years when it worked out what was going on."

"I don't think they understand about acting," she says, doubtful. "I don't think the know we're not really our characters. They might get the wrong idea."

"We should blur the lines a bit. Maybe Russell could write a scene where the Doctor has to feel up Martha's tits for some reason. Inspect them for aliens, maybe." He looks at her chest speculatively. "By the way, I was having a think about it and is it okay with you if I assume the Doctor has Martha over the console after episode six?"

Freema eyes him dubiously. "What happens in episode six?"

"Does it really matter? Six is the midway point, so obviously if they're going to be shagging, they'd have started by then. Anyway, I'm sure something very phallic happens in it. It's Steven's episode."

"What happens in Steven's episodes?"

"Sex," he tells her, very seriously. "The weans think it's all about dancing, but when they say dancing it means shagging. So you know, for future reference. We should rehearse the sex," he adds, "to get a better feel for our characters."

"We never had sex on Crossroads," says Freema.

"I made sure my costume had lots of pockets so I could carry condoms at all times. You never know your luck. Women watch it these days. Once I had to pull out the sonic screwdriver really quickly and condoms went flying all over the set. One of them got Billie in the eye."

"You can't be serious," Freema says blankly, but David's expression is fixed.

"I'm very mature when it comes to safe sex," he states.

Freema isn't quite sure when or why David decided to prove this to her, but he's very chivalrous about it and gives her his coat to wear so she doesn't hurt her back again the wall. They are shagging against a wall. Apparently it's convenient.

"I bet it'd hurt, doing it over the console," Freema says, thinking out loud, as David unzips her jeans. "All those levers and buttons. They'd get in places."

"All part of the fun," David grunts, angling himself. "It's the ultimate wet dream, isn't it? Having sex with a companion in the TARDIS?"

"Not my personal fantasy," says Freema, and grips David's shoulders and back as he eases up inside her, inhaling. She's still terrified that some innocent will see them, and the reassurance of a closed set doesn't do much to calm her nerves. But David kisses her neck and thrusts far more gently than she expected, and, to be perfectly frank, he does have a very good cock. She tells him this.

"You're welcome," he says.

"I don't know," she gasps, "if Martha would have sex with an alien."

"I think she would. The Doctor would seduce her with his alien wiles and by having a feel of her breasts for that plot reason we were talking about." He thrust into her a bit harder. "I bet that's how he got Rose. Mind you, she was a bit starry-eyed about the whole thing. She wanted a mortgage. Can you imagine that?"

"Nuughhhh," said Freema. Then: "You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you?"

"It's an important aspect of the character. What about Martha? Is she kinky? I bet she'd be kinky. She'd probably want to be tied up or something."

"She's a very sensible-" Freema groans, "-intelligent, down to earth girl. She likes the missionary position and doesn't have sex against walls."

"It's a good job you know how to distinguish between acting and real life then," says David, rather appreciatively. His soles are rubber and squeak a bit against the pavement as he drives on, and Freema tries not to giggle into his chest in case she offends his masculinity. That doesn't last long though, because he unzips her jacket and pulls up her shirt and has a good go at her breasts with his mouth, lapping his tongue deftly around her pert nipples, left first, then right.

"Oh," says Freema.

"Mhmmm," David agrees.

She brings up his face with her hands and kisses him, and it feels awkwardly inappropriate. But David's a pro at that too, and eases against her mouth with his lips and teeth, making it feel almost normal. The good sort of normal. Actually, the amazing sort of normal. She grabs his arse, his tight little Scottish arse and clenches, pushing him into her, and he makes a noise against her skin. Freema's thinking, oh god oh god, nobody come please nobody see us, and at the same time she's making these frantic little wheezes that she can't quite hold in, and then, quite abruptly, David tenses up, hisses, "That's the winner," and comes.

Ever the gentleman, he takes his moment to recover, then, holding Freema up at the waist, kneels down and licks her out until she's bucking, trembling against his forceful hands. Freema slumps down against him, sliding down the wall with his coat crumpling above her until it flops gracelessly over her face. David lifts it out of her eyes, grinning. "Time to go back to your adoring masses."

* * *

"And what did the Doctor say to you, honey?"

"He signed my book! An' it says my name an' his name an' the nice Martha lady signed it too, an' I said, is the Doctor sad Rose is gone away, an' he said no 'cos he's got Martha now an' he said they're really good friends especially after episode six an' it didn't hurt one bit when he pulled her brains out. Can I go see the TARDIS now?"
2nd-Sep-2006 07:21 pm (UTC)
You two are so wrong in the head.

I liked it. It were talky and there was sex.


2nd-Sep-2006 07:26 pm (UTC)
WRONG BUT GOOD. Auuugh. Yes. *applauds*
2nd-Sep-2006 07:28 pm (UTC)
ouu er rl fic! but it was great! :P I loved the kid at the end, yep can't wait for episode 6 :P

2nd-Sep-2006 07:48 pm (UTC)
Oh brava. Rpf for the win! Now everybody who's read this will be snickering very loudly and wondering how the sex was once they've seen episode 6.

The sad (?) thing is I can easily imagine the fanboy that David is actually thinking out things like that. Heh. Trying to get remembered for his cock, indeed...
2nd-Sep-2006 07:58 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, fantastically wrong and I love it.

LJ hated me too. It said I was a bot.
2nd-Sep-2006 09:04 pm (UTC)
Forget the trouser thing on T&C, I would pay money to see David Tennant's reaction to this.

Hysterical and wrong and yay. :D
2nd-Sep-2006 10:04 pm (UTC)
WRONGBADHOT! And I've been watching Shooting Stars so the universally-acknowledged gesture for tits made me giggle. And the kids kicking Ten for his Scottish accent, and, um. Freema being hot and David being hot and then they done sex!!!yay.
3rd-Sep-2006 01:18 am (UTC)
That's all anyone cares about. People say the fanboys only care about Daleks, but really it's the gossip they want. The gossip and a quick flash of your tits.

That was fantastic. Hahaha. Yeah, David is a Doctor Who fanboy. He totally knows how we are. No point trying to cover it up anymore. :)
3rd-Sep-2006 09:42 am (UTC)
Hahah! Lovely fic!!

(LJ hated me too. *cries*)
3rd-Sep-2006 04:03 pm (UTC)
(Were you on NTL, by any chance?)
3rd-Sep-2006 05:35 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I was! *cries*
3rd-Sep-2006 05:40 pm (UTC)
Crossroads was a proper show!!! *is indignant*

6th-Sep-2006 08:17 am (UTC)
I love you. And I'm reading this at work, choking with laughter. David Tennat is a h0r. And so is Lis Sladen. I'm linking to this on sarahjane_fic if you don't mind!
2nd-Nov-2007 04:04 am (UTC)
I've just watched the video of David and Freema at the NTA awards, then read this.

OH MY GOD. Like crack, in all the best ways. If you need someone to have your babies, I volunteer. OH MY GOD. Much with the love. I dearly hope you've written more; I'm leaving now to check. ::fingers crossed::